Late Night Ponderings
by GenealogistElyse
Summary: This is a one shot story that ignores the Final Battle chapters from DH.  This story is written as a letter Hermione writes to Harry after he has died.


**Author's Note: I wrote this one shot after being unable to sleep one night because I was constantly thinking of my Mom, who passed away two years ago - naturally, I felt it best to escape into the world of Harry Potter - the one thing that has remained a constant for nearly all my life. For those of you who grew up on the books, you should understand that it is only natural that I turn to Harry Potter during my late night pondering sessions.**

**This one shot is written much like a letter that Hermione writes to Harry after he has passed away. It is her way of trying to deal with her emotions and move past his death. I know this is short, but I hope it moves you. Please let me know what you think in the comments - I'm willing to hear it all. The good, the bad - okay, maybe not the ugly. But you get my drift.**

**And as usual, JK Rowling is the one that thought of the world of Harry Potter. I just took some of her characters on a different path and a little farther.**

I don't sleep much lately. It feels like I haven't slept in years.

Despite the exhaustion in my muscles, I can't seem to find the peace of mind to fall to sleep. Even when I finally close my eyes, delirious and determined to rest, my muscles start to scream and I can't get comfortable. Then I toss and turn, drifting between a half dream-like state and consciousness; Sometimes I can't tell the difference.

Losing you was like losing the ability to breathe deeply. I am surviving on short quick breaths that never make me feel satisfied, forcing me to live in a state of constant dizziness and exhaustion.

It has been two years. Two very long years that seemto purposefully pass with an extreme slowness, as if Father Time has lost his eagerness to continue moving forward. And yet, the two years since you've died seem so insignificant, like a droplet of water in a vast ocean.

I tried to continue living my life because I promised I would. Perhaps I always knew I would have to live without you one day. Perhaps that is why I tried to hide my heart away, tried to convince myself it was meant for Ronald...

But I know that my heart is meant for you. And you're not here.

I try not to dwell on this fact because it doesn't change anything. It doesn't fix anything. It doesn't allow me to tell you how I really feel about you. It doesn't allow me to take your place. So I try not to think about that.

Fate has had it written since long ago that you weren't meant to be here. All I want for Fate to give me something that is fair... but I don't need fair anymore, Harry. I just need to see your green eyes gazing back into mine, reassuring me that I can do this. Because I don't really want to do this alone. I don't want to suffer through every event and milestone knowing that you should be here, knowing that you are supposed to be here and knowing that you aren't. Knowing that you won't be here. Knowing that you can't be here. So I try not to think about it.

But I do think of you, Harry. All the time. When I think of you, I don't feel so alone. And at times when I am curled up in bed, with my eyes swollen and unable to produce another tear, I swear I can feel your finger tips so faintly on my arm, tracing small circles, reminding me that I have the strength to get out of bed.

I tried a job at the ministry this year in the Department of Muggle Relations. It was exactly as I had dreamed, exactly how I had expected... and for that very reason I couldn't stay. It seemed to fit into who I was. Before. But I'm not that person anymore, Harry.

Sometimes I wonder if you would even recognize me anymore.

Which is why I've decided to move. Away from London. Away from the family that I don't seem to fit into anymore. Away from the prying eyes. Just away.

I've been thinking of a small town somewhere, perhaps in Wales, where I'll work for a law firm. I'll start a quiet life. Learn to let the sunshine into my pores again. Learn to let the wind whisper hope to me again. Learn to drink coffee on the porch. I need a new start and although I know I'll never truly have one, this might be as close as I can get.

Or maybe it is just me running away. Maybe I don't care if it is.

Because without you, magic doesn't seem as real as before. I know it still exists and I can still feel the electric pulse run through my veins, but it has lost its shine. The [ull isn't there anymore. I don't look at magic the way I used to: through the lens of an eleven year old girl that sees so many possibilities, full of so many questions, and eager to start a new path. I don't feel starry eyed anymore.

But magic hasn't lost its beauty. You're sacrifice for a world that you lived in for so few moments reminds me every day that magic is beautiful, especially the kind that glows from the heart instead of a wand.

So I'll be disappearing soon. And you're the only one that knows. And the only one that knows why. The only one who will understand that I can't live in a world of magic without you in it.

So I'll forget the world that I knew once upon a time, but I swear I won't forget you. I could never forget you or the imprint you left on my heart. I wish my voice could reach back into the past, so I could whisper in your ear one last time. Oh Harry, I wish you were here.


End file.
